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Don't leave the success of your marriage to fate; read Susan
Quilliam's wise words on getting the balance right once and for all?
However happy you are before the ceremony, there's something
about getting married that can rock the boat. Most couples wobble on
honeymoon. Many find that once back home, things aren't going as
well as they did before the ceremony. A staggering 50% of those who
marry in 2002 will divorce within ten years and some relationships
break down even after decades of married life.
So whether you're a blushing bride or forty years down the road,
how can you make your marriage work? The answer is to look at
secrets to your relationship.
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Secret 1: Successful Married Couples get their deal straight
Marriage is different from living together. It's not necessarily
better, but it's different. Both of you will have different
expectations of a 'spouse' than of a 'partner' - often basing those
expectations on what you saw of your parents' married life. For
example, you may have been happy for your man to live the student
life before the wedding, but afterwards, you expect him to draw a
regular salary.
Secret 2: Successful Married Couples keep their individuality
However independent you were before, marriage has a habit of
sucking you in to being a couple.
Successful couples know that, however much love there is,
marriage can bring this trapped feeling. They encourage each other
not to be always 'us', to take 'me' time, to have 'me' hobbies and
even 'me' friends. This way, each partner brings individuality in to
the marriage, keeping it fresh and alive.
Secret 3: Successful Married Couples keep each other centre
stage
It's tempting, once married, to forget the little courtesies.
When you were going out - and still trying - you remembered the
little things, such as serving each other first, and remembered the
big things like respectfully listening to each other.
Successful couples always keep each other centre stage. They are
interested in their partner's opinions. They take their partner
seriously. They refer to their spouse in glowing terms when talking
to other people. In short, they never take each other for granted
and remember how lucky they are to be married.
Secret 4: Successful Married Couples learn to resolve
conflicts
Successful couples keep communicating, whatever the bad feeling
between them. They negotiate differences and disagreements so that
they both end up getting a fair deal. They smile and support each
other rather than nag and whinge. They accept that sometimes, loving
is more important than winning.
Secret 5: Successful Married Couples keep the lust alive
Successful couples know that to keep lust alive, you need to
actively prioritise lovemaking and make time and taking space for
it. You need to make sure you're constantly updating your knowledge
of each other's sexual needs, finding new ways to please each other.
Successful couples stay affectionate. If there's a sexual drought,
they ride it out by flirting, touching, hugging, kissing and being
romantic.
Secret 6: Successful Married Couples grow with each other
Successful couples know that one or both partners will shift in
personality at these times. It can feel as if the rules have
changed; what it means is that you need to change in order to keep
up with the changing relationship.
Successful couples anticipate shifts and ride with them. Rather
than demanding they both stay the same forever, they welcome the
natural developments of personality and partnership that happen with
time.
Secret 7: Successful Married Couples keep working at it
The fact that you're married can make you rest on your laurels -
as the years pass, you may feel that nothing can harm your bond.
But beware! Time and a false sense of security can erode even the
strongest love. So successful couples take rain checks and keep
having regular 'where are we at' conversations to make sure that
they're both happy with the way things are going.
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